A Foreigner In Kenya, Chapter 24

 Ni nini mbaya - what is wrong

You are the only one

I've never seen before

My number one

You only I go crazy for

I wanna be with you forever

I wanna be your super love

We are still looking for a blueprint. It goes back and forth. We don't have a real plan yet I can't expect anything from Fundi. I ask him if he can make a construction plan. Nothing works without an architect! That surprises me. I think to myself, he should have a little idea.

That's enough for me, I sit down and draw a construction plan. It's a European blueprint, a European house.

I say to the monster, "Send the blueprint to the Fundi."

Some time later, the answer comes, "Looks good."

We meet again. This time we have a basis to talk about.

One of the first questions is, of course, the price. I want to know what the material costs and the labor. He doesn't know, gives evasive answers.

"First we have to see the architect, he will tell us what and how much material we need."

I make another announcement: "Well, I want to get from you; first, a list of what material is needed; and second, I want to know the labor time."

A few days later. We meet again. I'm thinking to myself, he got everything, now I'm getting an overview. What he has is a text message, he shows it to me. Apparently an architect from Nairobi, at least that's what he claims. The architect is asking 200,000 for his overview, because that's the only thing it can be. For the building plan to draw he has someone, he asks 50,000. I am a bit puzzled. Annoyed. I have never seen anything like this before. We continue talking. I make a mistake, notice it immediately, want to correct myself, look at the Fundi, notice that he has not noticed it. I am very surprised. I make more mistakes, this time on purpose, the Fundi doesn't correct me! Strange.

We go home. It doesn't leave me alone, I have to ask the monster, "Is that really a Fundi?"

"Of course," she answers.

I don't say anything, it bothers her. I wait for some time, then I ask, "Did you sleep with him?"

Maybe. I think I saw looks there between the two of them, which I noticed and which have no place between a customer and a builder.

"He's married!"

"It doesn't mean anything."

I wonder, of course, what kind of home construction that was and where? She has no job, is a volunteer. Who would put her to work there? Alright, I'll take it easy, that was before my time, none of my business. Just like her children, I don't know the fathers and they don't interest me either. Maybe it's a mistake on my part, maybe.

I decide to give up the Fundi. So far he has only cost and contributed nothing. For my house I need someone I can rely on.

I search and I find. The one Fundi does what Innocent should have done. He makes a list of the material that is expected to be needed. Then the working price. This is also strange. He calculates the house construction in 3 steps. 1. the foundation, 2. up to the windows, and then up to the rentals. Must confess, I do not know this, is new.

The other fundi already comes with a list of materials needed, as well as the price. Now only the labor price is missing. He charges differently. He charges one price for the foundation and another for the walls. He is also cheaper. This is easier for me to understand. I give him the order.

Sometimes I might wonder why you love me so

I no go leave you till I die mamitto

Girl, I want you to understand

This love makes me feel so special

I want you to understand

This love makes me feel so special

A Foreigner In Kenya, Chapter 20

 Mkataba - the contract

What we still don't know is what the house should look like. Big, small, high, low, ... There are so many options. What I know is simple: Atehan psatzen debena bere etchezan da - (that's what the Basques say) whoever walks through this door may feel at home. And that's my job too.

Are you closer to the face of God when you kneel before his consecrated altar? It is said that God is everywhere. But it also means: go to your father's house.

And that's exactly how it should be, a father's house. Everyone who comes should be welcome, as a friend, relative or just a hiker who asks for a place to sleep.

I'll have the monster call Fundi, this problem has to be solved! 

We'll meet in the bar. As always, I'll have a cold beer. 

"This bar here, that's my office," I explain to the Fundi. "There is everything I need here. Cold beer, fresh air and music." The music is too loud, I can hardly understand anything, that makes conversation a bit difficult.

The Fundi brought some plans with them, copied from a newspaper. We look at them, we don't like them.

The monster says, "What can we do?"

The Fundi says: "Look on the Internet, there are many examples! Find one." 

That's how easy it can be! 

I ask, casually, if he has any idea how much the house might cost? 

He pulls out a pencil and a piece of paper, begins to talk and write. 

"The foundation costs around 100,000. For this we need 50 bags of cement, 2 truckloads of stones, ... Then the approval, the stamps, ..." 

He enumerates a number of things. Then the bricks, the windows, the doors and ... In the end he adds up. It comes to 5 million.

I guess the house can't get big at 5 million! I can't pay that! It has to be a hut, nothing else is possible!

We discuss how big is the house, how big should it be. 

Then we come to his task. He will do the construction site inspection.

I ask him why doesn't he do the planning too? 

"We need an architect for that." 

"And he also does the construction drawing?" I ask. 

"No," he replied, "the construction drawing is made by a draftsman." 

"And where can I find such a draftsman?" 

"That is determined by the architect." 

I think this is just an overview, we don't know anything for sure yet. One after the other. There is a lot of talk, maybe too much. I notice a few things. I discard it again. Perhaps I misunderstood it, it may be that one mustn't judge too quickly.

We arrange a meeting point with the seller. Go there, the contract must be signed. The Fundi is there again. Why? I dont know.

We get off the bus, are already expected. It's not far to the land surveyor. It's a strange office, behind another store. To get to the surveyor's office, we have to go through this business.

I am not doing well. I got a stomach ache that night. They are now making themselves felt. The office is small. 2 tables, nothing else, and as usual in Kenya, dark. It takes until I can see something. Witnesses are there too. Chairs are fetched, we sit down.

The surveyor fetches the contract. He gives it to me. I look at him. It is a form from the Ministry Of Land. Nothing special. Nothing special. A standard contract.

The Fundi also looks at him. I wonder why he's doing this. I don't have to wait long, he's already talking.

"It's a completely normal contract." 

I've been waiting for that. 

And he keeps talking. "Nicely worked out, there is the seller, the buyer, the witnesses, everything is listed correctly."

Excellent! He commented on everything I read. I know everything now!

The surveyor fills out the contract. 

Address given by the monster, then the buyer or buyers. The monster comes first, then me. Now the witnesses. The buying price. He shows me the contract.

"Is it correct?" 

I look at it. 

"No," I say, "the monster's name has to go." 

The monster looks a little surprised, but says nothing. 

The surveyor amends the contract. My name is now the 1st buyer, the name of the monster as the 2nd buyer. So exactly the other way around.

The surveyor shows me the contract. 

" Is it correct?" 

I look at it. 

"No," I say, "the name has to go." 

The monster is irritated. The surveyor brushes the name away. Now only my name is there as a buyer.

"OK," I say, "let's sign." 

Here I am in for a surprise. There is no signing, the money has to be paid first. This is strange to me, but this is Kenya.

Now the questions begin. 

"When will the money be there?" 

The most important question of all. 

"I don't know!" I can only answer. 

"When do you think it will be there?" 

"In 3 days, that is the shortest period of time, it can also take a week or more." 

You are satisfied with that. 

I made the monster happy. I bought a piece of land that doesn't belong to me because the contract is a sales agreement, nothing more.

Everything was handled quickly. If you have time and let time pass, you lose a friend and never get money. I got rid of money, that's true. Maybe I made a friend. One for life. If you ask a person for change, he gives a lecture on the begotten and the ungenerated; if one asks about the price of bread, the answer is that the father is greater than the son; if you ask whether the bathroom is ready, the answer is that the son was created out of nothing. There is always talk of the bush.

We're going back. 

A Foreigner In Kenya, Chapter 18

 Wajenzi - builder

This is how life goes, an eternal ups and downs. Sometimes pretty, then again ugly. Bert Brecht already wrote it: 'Nothing stays as it is.' And there is nothing to add to that.

The monster is in my ears, she wants to build a house. I am not convinced that this is the right decision. A house means that I always have to be in the same place, I can't decide overnight that I want to leave this place. I have to sell a house, rent it out, I just give it back an apartment. Much easier and without a headache.

I object, she listens, pretends to understand.

She is looking for an apartment. It's too tight where we live. Which is not really true, because after the party we were - I think there were eight people - in the house and slept there. I have to accept the narrowness, there is nothing else to do.

An apartment will soon be found. Bigger than the current one. Not far away. Pleasant for Jigsaw because that's where she goes to school. Rent is fine, 10,000. We look at them. Not bad. We go again, the caretaker will talk to the owner and then let us know. We'll get word the next day. The owner demands 20,000!

I'm not surprised why, I was expecting something like this.

The monster says: "The owner must have found out that you are a mzungu and has doubled the rent."

Maybe it is absurd, whether I can believe it that way?

In short, the apartments have their pitfalls. Everything doesn't work out, something always comes up. There is always something that doesn't fit.

After weeks of searching, it is clear: a house is needed!

I mentioned it before, a foreigner, a damn, crazy Mzungu, a white man is lost in Kenya. 

We are looking for a house, a place to stay for all of us! I have to repeat, we are two adults and two children.

The search is not that easy. The size has to fit, what is still important is the price!

The monster says: "The boy is big, in a short time he is going to university, then only the little one remains and I send her to my sister in Nairobi." 

Simple. Plain and simple.

I know her, I know that there is a lot of talk, most of it is said to make me happy, satisfied. It therefore has no special meaning for me. A 3 bedroom house is a must! End and end.

We are looking for in Nairobi and the surrounding area. We drive around, inspect, search. We find some houses that we would like. One thing must also be said here that some houses do not even exist, we only see a construction site, green around us.

I'm not rich, contrary to the Kenyan belief that all whites are rich. Maybe we are rich, not in money, maybe rich in experience. What do I know?

If you have enough money, you can choose it, that's true, there is only one thing I don't know whether a foreigner can own a house at all. The real estate agents who try to sell don't say anything, they don't care, the money matters to them.

We come back unsatisfied. Still no house, no view. The monster makes a long face. I notice, but don't say anything.

I am worried. Take a pencil, a piece of paper and start to put my thoughts on paper. What is written can be better analyzed. Soon I come to the conclusion that I can save half of it if I build the house myself. This has advantages, but also disadvantages. The advantage is that I can build a house the way I want and not a house that is a standard house. Downside, I have to take care of everything. It doesn't matter, I'm retired and have enough time.

Shakespeare wrote it in Hamlet when he had the gravedigger say: "No sooner have you been born, death begins." 

It is true that our life is like a house with two doors, we come in through one door, we go back through the other door. Our lives are far too short to play around with. On the other hand, people need a home, the only question is: 'where is my home?' Here I am a white man, a mzungu, a stranger. Don't speak the language. Can I be assimilated here? A white man in Kenya? Without money? Without future? Why should I build a house at all? A little story about it. Alexander the Great, of Macedonia, had subdued the world as far as India. In India he met a guru. He introduced himself. "I am the ruler of this world." That did not impress the guru. "You don't just own the piece of earth you are standing on." That was the guru's answer and he was right. We don't own anything possession is a superstition. Possession does not exist. Only in our imagination.

Man's great fault is that he has the freedom to repent every day and does not choose it.

These are my thoughts. 

A building site has to be found. Not easy either. When the blacks hear that a white man is looking for a building plot, this building plot suddenly becomes gold.

There are phone calls, questions go around, all of which takes time. The monster is in a hurry. Your mood has improved noticeably, that pleases me and calms me down too. Her scowl was not easy to bear.

To cut it short, the aunt has found a reason. Not that far from where we are now.

The next problem is the builder, Wajenzi or as the monster says Fundi. (I don't actually know the expression Wajenzi, everyone says Fundi.)

The monster knows him. "I met him when we were building here, and he was overseeing the building project."

"You built? Who built?" I ask, strangely touched. 

She tells me a story, it can be true, but it doesn't have to be. I leave it, there is no point in asking any further. Dear God, let the Fundi come!

And he's coming! 

We're sitting in the bar, I'll have a cold beer, that's good. It's late afternoon. The sun is still shining, but soon it will disappear behind the trees.

The fund is coming. The monster introduces him. The Fundi has a folder with him. He puts them on the table. He introduces himself. His name is Innocent. (I hope the name is spelled correctly). I have to laugh. He looks a bit strange, maybe confused because I laugh when he said his name.

"Innocent!" I yell out, "I'm not innocent!" 

The Fundi has to laugh too. He sits down. I explain to him why I am laughing. "Innocent has this meaning for me: you are free from guilt or sin especially through lack of knowledge of evil: blameless, an innocent child. And the Bible also says: let the children come to me, because theirs is the kingdom of heaven . "'

"Yes, I know, a strange name, but I have it." 

"Never mind, mine is no better."

The Fundi brought a plan of a house with them. He takes it out of a torn envelope.

"I've just come back from a building negotiation," he explains. 

The house on the blueprint is not what I want, the monster also has objections. But that doesn't matter, because we are looking for someone who can carry out the construction project, we can create the construction plan for it ourselves or announce our wishes.

So far so good. The first step is taken. We have a fund. Now we can take action.

At the end of a short story.

One died in Nairobi. He knocks on heavens door. Nobody open. He knocks louder. God heard it, calling Moses.

- Moses, what's going on, who is knocking on the door?

Moses is checking it. He came back.

-It's a Nairobi man, he wants to enter the heaven.

- Let this poor guy in and give him something to do.

The Nairobi man enters heaven. Moses give him a trimur instrument to play on a cloud.

The Nairobi man got cloud number 7 to sit on and the play music and to sing.

 - Hallelujah, the man sing very lite.

- Hallelujah, again, he sing it very lite and then he hear for an echo or answer but unfortunately he couldn't hear anything.

 - Hallelujah, this time louder.

Again he hear but no answer.

He becomes angry.

- Hallelujah, he cried out. 'Hallelujah again! Dawn hallelujah! ' No answer.

God hears that shouting.

- Moses, who is so much making notice?

Moses is checking it.

- It's the Nairobi man, my master.

-We must give him another job to do. That's good, actually I have one important task to do.

The man is called to God.

- Nairobi man, I have something important to do. This is a letter for the president, he's waiting for it. Go to him and deliver it.

The man takes the letter and leaving heaven. He's flying down to Nairobi. On the way he is passing some bars. He can smell the bear. He thinks, 'Let me have a beer.' And he enters a bar. He orders a bear. It is fresh and cold. He enjoys it very much. He thinks, 'OK, I should deliver this letter but I guess it can wait for some minutes more.' And he orders a second bear. He looks around, everyone is happy, smiling, laughing, drinking bear, enjoying life. He orders a next bear. He starts to sing. Other people sings with him. He orders a bear after the other. Life can be so nice! And he drinks one bear after the other .... And he forgot the letter, the advice from God to the president. And so the president is still waiting for the heaven advice.